Why is the blame put on the fathers and not the single mothers. They are the ones that have the final say whether the child comes into the world or not. If they are deciding to have these children by themselves nobody else is to blame but them. If they are in a relationship that they KNOW isn’t going anywhere have an abortion. If they are having sex with someone else’s man and get pregnant have an abortion. This is how we can curb the single motherhood. Sometimes these woman are to blame, it’s not always the men.

To A Father

Those are strong words there, brother. They, like many absentee fathers cum/come too easily. “If they are in a relationship they KNOW isn’t going anywhere have an abortion.” Really?

Where is the value on life? More specifically, where is the value on black life in that comment? I’m not attacking your opinion. At the same time we are not deer who need the assistance of population control by lethal means.

It certainly takes two to tango. Both men and women have a responsibility when it comes to raising a child and while it is not always the man’s fault, it just so happens that it’s almost always the man who’s missing from the picture— regardless of who’s at fault.

I’m not advocating that a woman should not have a right to choose. Perhaps what I interpreted or misinterpreted in your post was an inherent readiness to just give up on something, to just throw something [that is actually more than a thing; maybe not yet a person but certainly not a thing] away like less than 3/5ths of what should be considered more.

In a quick aside, we revere the remains of people we’ve known who have been and no longer are, and we just about exclusively show indifference to living matter that is will yet to be.

I suppose I wonder why not as a father advocate familial education, preventative birth-control, adoption or even abstinence? Is death and destruction all we know?

As a black man myself, I believe that the essence of Obama’s speech which was delivered on Father’s Day was a charge to the men of the black community to put aside our pride, to release the reigns of faulty-hood and rise up as shining examples to the children who need us— whether they be our own or not.

I don’t believe he’s saying go out and raise someone else’s child, no. I believe he’s saying stand up and lead.

Stymuli, Yes really, have an abortion or if they can’t take care of that child BY THEMSELVES give it up for adoption. Some of these women that are having babies to trap a man or for money need to be stuck with the responsibility by themselves. Now there are cases where there are men that are walking away from their children and not taking care of them and the court system says child support is the answer. That’s stupid! I say instead of forcing a man to pay they should force him to keep him half of the year that way the father is in the childs life not just the weekly check that these women are getting. You ask where is the value of life in my comment? My answer is that I would rather see an abortion instead of all the single mothers that OUR RACE has. You are right it does take 2 to tango but it takes one(the woman) to make the decision. That is the problem that I have with that statement. I believe in a womans right to choose but I also believe in a mans right to choose and the mans rights are forgotten about. You ask is death and destruction all we know? Not at all my man but something needs to be done preventative birth control is one answer, abstinence is unrealistic, family education wouldn’t work because the father can never be a father if he isn’t there he can just be a friend to that child especially his son. I too didn’t think that Obama was going after men but I just think that a father being absent is always blamed on the man and that is half the time so untrue. BTW, I always make sure I read your comments because I respect EVERYTHING that you post including this one but I am just saying this trend of single black mothers can be stopped and it can be stopped by the mothers they should make better choices about who they have children by. Having sex is one thing but when they decide to bring a child into this world with a guy that has 4 children that he already isn’t taking care of they get what they deserve. I look forward to reading more of your post I hope to soon.

A Father,

‘Nuff respect. To whom much is given, much expected. Thank you for the kudos.

Honestly, reading your response had me on a roller coaster.  Initially, I was taken aback by you reiterating and reinforcing your position on aborting as a means to curb single-parenthood. While I still can’t say I agree, your explanation compelled me to examine my own beliefs. After fully reading I thought to myself, “Indeed.”

I believe in integrity and so to a further extent nobility. By choosing abortion, I suppose you suggest that it be a case of “death before dishonor.” I felt it resonated in a profound way with the story of Margaret Garner from whose story the movie “Beloved” was originally adapted. Margaret Garner murdered her own children upon being caught by her slave owner rather than seen them sold off or maltreated. I think it’s noble that she would sacrifice her dreams of a free life with her free family, but I feel it questions the integrity of her actions. At some level it was a little selfish. Why not runaway first, get free then get pregnant? Why not just not get married and not have children? Her feelings about not having to see her children brutalized led her to brutalizing and murdering her children—violently.

I’ve learned that as human beings, we’re all selfish. Self preservation is after all what motivates us to get up in the morning and get out of bed. What I feel is that by simply aborting for the specific purpose of curbing single parenthood, we diminish the nobility of self-sacrifice at the very core of self sacrifice. The actual act of abortion becomes as common-place as peeling off a scab to satisfy an itch. It’s questionably selfish. And while it may heal the wound(s) [that single-parenthood] makes, it leaves a more disfiguring scar on us all whether we realize it or not. That scar is our communal ethos as it pertains to how we value life, how we value ourselves and how we value or values.

Personally, I believe there is recourse; but that’s just me. Everyone’s situation is different and should approached that way. In our community the situations you’ve outlined are unfortunately very prevalent. There are women out there using pregnancy as a [sad] means to trap men. There are women out there [with no sense of self-esteem or individuality] who stay in shift-less relationships with deadbeat men and get pregnant. They are out there. I suspect they will continue to be out there and we’ll see more of them unless we own up to the fact that more has to be done on a social level.

When I say that there should be family education, I mean there should be home economics training in the schools and in the household (where applicable). Both young men and young women need to be taught their roles in society and how to properly interface those roles. Sexual education should be expanded so that it is no longer just a text-book course on how to get down, but a full-curriculum on fatherhood and motherhood with emphasis on parenting philosophy and technique.

Parenting is a job and should be prepared for like any other with the proper vocational training. Consider any job. Any one you pick it. Take someone with no training and put them in a position. Take the President for example!

Earlier I said that while reading your response, it was like a roller coaster. Another peak relative to the nobility behind the sacrifice was what I perceived, what I interpreted to be the rescinding of [a] life instead of just an abortion. I thought and I felt that to be noble and quite full of integrity because in that case the woman doesn’t just make a decision, but she reaches one—a hard one. She acknowledges that she may not have much to offer the child if she has him/her except love. And sadly love doesn’t necessarily pay the bills, or guarantee life on Easy Street. By rescinding life, the woman arrives at the difficult crossroads of embracing the nurturing and protective nature of [true] motherhood (and fatherhood); she ascends into parenthood. Then, I believe in the space of true and loving parenthood will she euthanize her unborn to spare them the heartache of an absentee father, the rejection of society, poverty, discrimination, her own displaced aggressions and so on.

I thought in that sense what you wrote in your response was heavy. Appropriate. Lamentable. But heavy.

My father wasn’t in the picture growing up. My mother told me he urged her to terminate when she was pregnant with me. She told me that he himself tried to use black magic to kill me. (I come from a caribbean ancestry, black magic, voodoo, you know what I mean.) I’m still here. Reflecting on my own experiences and comparing them to your post, what you wrote hit a chord.
I don’t have children of my own yet but I serve as the patriarch to my entire family. I consider myself a success and I have the tendency to project my aspirations and my goals unto the world. I imagined the children of the single mothers in your post and I thought to myself, “By the Grace of God, I am here and I am doing what I was meant to do.” I imagined the possibilities for all those children.

But like I said everyone’s situation is different. My own upbringing is a wonderful series of anomalous events that make me who I am.

As a father, I considered you must hold your views from a level of experience that I don’t have. What I admire is your willingness to defend that perspective and speak it bluntly. Truth be told, I don’t know that I would have discovered some of the new ideas I do have and some of the things I didn’t realize I did feel had it not been for your assertions. While I still believe it is a woman’s right to choose, I respect your stance and I thank you for my understanding of it. Still, I believe that with concentrated and common effort, our community can recalibrate through other recourse heal our families.

I really don’t know where to start. The only way that this can be changed is with the woman. Every couple of years there is a brother coming out of college going into a pro sport that has BLACK women pregnant. The key word is women. These women are laying and waiting and as soon as they hear he has a future in professional sports the legs just start flying open. Just this, year I forgot the football players name, a second year pro, one of his babys mamas was in child support court he was supposed to be there but he was at the birth of another child by another woman so they continued his case. Meanwhile another woman was in the court scouting to see how much money the first mother got because she was also pregnant. My question was what was that soon to be mother doing in court? Answer… She was already spending money before the child was even born. I don’t know where these women get this lay on your back training but this is clearly a thing that is prevelent in our race. Their standards are so low that they will not even do for themselves. If 50/50 custody was in place instead of child support how many women do you think would have had these children or gotten pregnant or even spread their legs to some of these men. As long as the system allows this Black women will take advantabge of this. And they wonder why so many of our men are dating outside our race. They say don’t hate the player hate the game but in this case the game is causing a lot of children to be born without fathers. I just wish some of these women would rise up and do for themselves, that’s all.

The post above was to Stymuli

I really appreciate efforts and achievements in 1 body, spoken in a soft way through 1 body coupled with the fact that 1 body has the ability to perish with these words spoken before the body dies. it’s interesting to know that every one has a God-given talent that has to be found and expressed…If not! what then is the use.

I celebrate Obama for his speech.

Let’s glorify in achievements and by so doing, more achievements are in the tunnel and wanting to push-out.

Happy father’s Day

A Father,

    I couldn’t agree with you more on the point that there are scandalous, gold-digging women out there. They exist and they are as dangerous to the health [and wealth] of black men as black on black violence. At the same time, when you take a biopsy of the black men to whom these circumstances apply, and then cross-examine a sampling of the black women with whom they involve themselves sexually, I think you see a really sad pathology.

One the one hand, you’ve got this black man who is on the cusp of making something of himself in the eyes of the world by virtue of his talents. By those standards alone, he could be considered, no— he is a demigod, worshipped and adored, (sometimes even hated) by those in his community who are seeing him prepare to start his life proper. Whether that dude wants to accept it or not, his talents elevate his status making him a pillar [in the eyes of the community]. More times than most, these guys shirk the call of duty towards themselves, their nuclear families and their communities by not conducting themselves in a manner more becoming of a leader of men. It’s regrettable because this kind of irresponsibility translates inward as it pertains to their own innate ability to protect themselves and their futures from the perils and the attacks of exploitation from the women who they exploit for sex and [disposable] pleasure.

On the other hand, you’ve got the undervalued black woman. Consistently undervalued throughout every aspect of the community. Neglected, abused, disrespected, and under-appreciated. We live in a male dominated society already and I don’t know what it is but there is more emphasis on males in the black community. So after a lifetime of “second-class urban citizenship,” these women see their opportunity to get up, get out and be someone [with and of means]. And what’s interesting is that there isn’t always a love interest, or an attachment as it were from the woman’s perspective. She’s interested in the golden-ticket, a child that will allow her to be taken care of for life; a child that will assume the provider-role the black man as a father was supposed to have assumed by being the means through which this woman can lead a more fulfilled life.

Withal, the smoking gun in both scenarios is a lack of personal responsibility. Neither black man or woman takes the root initiative to take care of themselves first. I mean, I don’t believe it’s any different from protecting yourself from bullies in the school yard. The presence of a father in a household increases, I believe the probability that black men and women will be more responsible for their actions, because they will have a role model who has weathered the path before them and learned them in every aspect of self-defense including having pride in one’s self, having respect for self, and being responsible for self overall.

Again, I concur with you 100%. The cycle has to stop, but it only stops if someone has the fatherly balls to make it stop.

If I as a black man with talent and means am on the precipice of greatness, and I look towards the future and see all that I can be, all that I can have and all that I can do, why should allow any woman the slightest opportunity to take that away from me? Why should or would I trust my life to some broad? Why? Knowing what I have to behold at the signing of a contract, or on the wings of a promotion, and knowing that other people know this, why would I jeopardize my LIFE over “busting a nut?”

Let’s say, for the sake of argument that all women are gold-digging, Alexis Carringtons. If this is common knowledge amongst us all as men, and we know people close to us who have fallen at the hands of these opportunistic women, whose fault is it when we go the same way and destroy our own lives and our own potentials by getting multiple women pregnant?

When men conduct themselves in a manner bearing resemblance to the feminine, we call them effeminate, we say they are “sweet,” we say they are gay. When we see women conducting themselves as aggressively as men, we call them “butch,” “bitches,” and “hoes.” Conversely, when we see men womanizing and flaunting material status, we say he’s accomplished and we celebrate [or celehate]. When we see a woman accepting that she should be subservient, a single-parent, accepting of whatever comes her way, we say she is “strong,” and we admire her for it.

The subject and charge of this whole dialogue has been for black fathers to simply grab the reigns of role-model and responsibility and take control of what is going on in our black communities as it pertains to the black family, male/female relationships, and the attitudes that pervade and contribute towards the sexual and financial opportunism that is tearing us apart generation by generation.

The speech that Obama made and the points that I’ve been making I believe resonate as a public cry for help; a public cry put out there like the Bat-signal to any and every black man willing and able to answer the call to take control and help us rebuild our communities and more importantly our families.