Do That Damn Thing
There they were.. a bunch of guys.. hmm, 16.. maybe 17 years old, sitting in the first row of a half empty theatre. You know what that means, they've been puffin on the Wacky Tabacky.. the Injun Peace Greens.. Jamaican Spinach. I smelled it on them,
some twenty three rows back.. you know.. where you can actually see the screen.
There is nothing worse than getting stuck in the first row of a movie theatre. Not only do you have to slump down in the seat in order to get just the right angle to see the screen, you wind up rolling your head back and forth to follow what's going on. It's either that or stare at one spot and pretend like you actually enjoy looking at big, blurry, hands and eyeballs. Nobody sits in the front row unless they have to and suprisingly the theatre was pretty damn empty.
Thats a tough deal... not only was it a disappointing opening weekend, the guys in the front row didn't have a large enough audience to display their C Walkin, Uptown Shakin.. and uh.. I don't know what that other move was. Yeah, they were high as a muthafucka.. and doin it up.
The movie starts off with an animation that merges to form the words The Wash. Then the Dre and Snoop track.. "On The Blvd" starts playing in the background, loud and lovely. As soon the beat kicked in.. one of the guys up front slid out of his seat and started dipping low to the floor.. in a crouch he starts bouncing up and down.. talking about "uhh uhh uhh uhh uhh.." Then one of his friends looks at him gettin down and starts doing the same thing.. The Bobsey Twins. Then the other two get up, and they all start dancing.. all over the front of the theatre. It's like a music video. Wasn't nobody in the theatre hating either.. they was encouraging them, shit they was joining in. It's contagious. I got infected, couldn't take it any longer, so I got the arm thing working, bouncing in the seat "uuh uuh uhh uhh hhuh huhhuuh" White people were clapping along.. chicks were smiling and laughing.. There's a party on 42nd street.
This wasn't no quick 10 second thing.. I'm talking about the whole song. Of course some people got a grip on themselves towards the middle of the song, but one of the guys up front made sure that he closed the show with his Lil Bow Wow-like C Walkin. It was mad funny.
I wish I could say that about the movie itself. Don't get me wrong, there were some scenes where you could get your chuckle on, but overall it was kinda lame. Something was missing, I don't know what it is.
Cracker Actors
Yes I do. Dre can't act. Dude can produce his ass off, put a team rogether real nice, but his personality is like them crackers.. the Saltine ones.. not Ritz.. them plain white ones that crumble up real easy and taste like cardboard. They serve them with $1.00 soups at deli's.
Snoop on the other hand put in work again. In Training Day he played a convincing portrayal as a wheelchair bound drug dealer, Bones looked hot (I didn't see it), and here he falls into the role of a dude just getting by: has his own apartment, works a 9-5, hustles a lil weed, and bags chicks. Granted it's not to far from his real life, so he ain't gonna win no awards, but he did a good job.
DJ Pooh wasn't supposed to be in the film, but he stole his scenes.. He's the guy in the trailer who says "Ain't nobody say your name, who you think you are Destiny's Child?" He's a vet, wrote and directed the movie.
The problems with it, are the other cheezy actors and the thin script. Pooh should have gotten some help in the writing department. It was originally thought to be a remake of the 1970's flick Car Wash. Now that's a classic, a DVD purchase. It captured the times perfectly. When you watch it you feel like your AT the car wash, and you wanna be there cause it looks like fun.
Here.. they all look like a bunch of losers. Dudes stealing shit from chicks cars and they look like they really need it. When they ask the boss for a raise and say you need to be "uppin our pay" and he shits on em. .. well that joke actually fell on it's face, it was heard too many times in the promos.
Pooh decided that he didn't want to follow the Car Wash script, he was gonna make his own version. Bad Idea. Bad fucking idea.
Like I said there are some funny scenes: Snoop has some chick in their apartment that has to use the bathroom real bad, but Dre is in there blowin it up after eating a bad burrito, and when he's done.. the toilet won't flush; Eminem's lunatic phone calls to the owner of the car wash, cursing him out as only the crazy blondie could; and there's a couple of surprise appearances by Shaq, Ludacris, and Bishop: the ex-pimp turned preacher. I blew all of that huh?
I'm doing you a favor.
My advice is.. walk-drive-bike-fly.. somehow get to the theatre. Check to see what else is playing, and if The Wash is the only thing in that time slot, go on and give up the cash. OR.. save that dough and buy the soundtrack, it's a certifed BANGER.
On The Boulevard
The one thing Dre does with ease is music. He doesn't produce everything on his albums, but he makes sure he gives just enough input, to make sure that songs that get the Aftermath stamp are high quality joints, that breathe, and definitely vibrate your trunk. The Chronic gave a lot of people the images they now relate to when envisioning the West Coast. It's a mix of R&B.. melodies.. heavy bass.. and hard to categorize keyboard sounds.. that make his brand of hip hop. A long time ago Dre said that he was the best producer in hip hop. At the time it came off as big headed babble.. but add up NWA's material, Death Row's golden years, last year's Chronic 2001, his various outside productions, and this release... he has plenty of ammunition to back up that statement.
Let's see how this sounds.. Dr. Dre - The Quincy Jones of Hip Hop.
Nah. Let him stand on his own. His story will be written and he's got a lot more work ahead of him.
By the way, The Wash = 1.5 squirts from the butter meter