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The Armchair Movie Critic

Pimpin The Pink Sweet.. Oh Behave

I want 1 catrillion, billion, gazillion,
papillion, tazillion, million, quintillion
.. Yen


The Hard Knock Life

Moley Moley Moley Moooooolllle!


The Scene
The weathermen on the morning news programs are extremely serious today. Supposedly it's gonna be close 100 degrees today, so now they have something to get excited about.. I watched two separate programs and both of the weathermen voiced dead serious concern.. like the world was about to end. "Drink water" "Stay Indoors" "Stay Out of The Sun." It's as is the past three weeks haven't been just as hot. It was exactly three weeks ago, on a Saturday night, and the temperature at 3:00 a.m. was 93 degrees. I was like WTF, if it's 93 now, what's gonna happen when the sun comes up? Hell on earth, that's what. People falling out in the streets, blackouts and hospitals filled to capacity, the victims crawling in on all fours, their skin melting off like candle wax, facial features stretched out and distorted like the Scream mask.

I had a plan though, sit in the car all day long. It's the only place with a/c, the cooling system in the crib consists of a two speed fan, the ol' spinning blades. Hey at least it's better than those paper church fans that Big Momma be using on Sundays.

Record temperatures.. I'm used to the heat now.. as long as the fan doesn't conk out, I'm straight.

This past Saturday, the weather was much cooler, 78 degrees and cloudy, it looked like it was gonna rain but it never did. Days like that are good for watching movies, either on tv or paying the fee to watch something on the silver screen. So I went down to the mall and checked out Austin Powers. Let me give you some advice, if you want to skip the long lines, and the disappointment when your show is sold out.. just order tickets online. There was a line of people stretching out the door, "pardon me".. I skipped up to the front, swiped the card in the computer/ticket picker upper and BAM instant tickets. Took all of 1 minute.

What they say
Myers lacks even basic plot. Goldmember, the idiotic, skin-shedding Dutch villain who "lost his genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident," is just another riff off the Bond films. - David Elliot, San Diego Union-Tribune

"Every joke is repeated at least four times. Every joke is repeated at least four times. Every joke is repeated at least--annoying, isn't it?" - Sean Burns, Philadelphia Weekly

Ye gods, this movie was just insane. The first film was a straight up Bond-movie parody. The second film was sorta the same thing, but it was peppered with a little more goofball weirdness. This film is a constant barrage of crazy shit that makes no sense, and that makes it quite the laff riot. - Criminy Pete, Criminy Pete.com

One of the blessings of Goldmember is that it's only 90 minutes long, but, after three Austin Powers installments, that's 4 1/2 hours spent in the company of this goofy band of characters. Qualities that were once amusing are becoming irritating. - James Berardinelli, James Berardinelli Reelviews

On his third time around the spy-and-sex-spoof circuit, writer/producer/star Myers skips the story and turns the comic doodling around the edges of the film into the film itself. The script is little more than a series of narrative sprints interspersed throughout a parade of phallic sight gags, verbal innuendoes and sniggering puns. - Sean Axmaker, Seattle Post Intelligencer SEAN AXMAKER

My Opinion
I laughed my ass off.

I haven't seen any of the other Austin Powers movies, and really, the Beyonce factor was the only reason I was willing to spend any time on this one. I went in not knowing what to expect. Within the first five minutes of the film, I could tell that a unique sense of humor is necessary to enjoy this movie. For instance in the opening sequence .. I'ma give this one away.. This chick hops off of a motorcycle and introduces herself.
"My name is Dixie. Dix.. Enormus." If you can't laugh at that, don't waste your money, the rest of the movie follows right in that direction.

I was laughing cause I couldn't believe she said it.. I didn't know it was gonna be like that. All of the jokes are either over the top, potty humor, or subtle..like the guy that walks in the room. And everted someone sees him they shout and stare at his mole. It's so dumb, you have to laugh..

The funniest scene was with Dr. Evil and Mini-Me in jail, they have rags around their heads Tupac style, and convince Debo (dude from Friday) that he and the rest of the prisoners are gonna help them escape.

When Beyonce hits the screen, it's like "alright, now the movie really starts." She brought a lot of flavor to her part, no overacting or "what chu talkin bout" head twists.. umm.. well she did have a few of those, but they didn't seem campy. She begins the movie as part of Goldmembers team, and it turns out that he is the only one who can knock her out.. and he does it through the whole movie. She showed a lot of personality and if.. when... there's a sequel they'd be stupid not to bring her back. That's if she isn't busy with other roles, with the praise she's been getting the scripts are gonna start pouring in.

As far as Goldmember.. he peels and talks shfunyy .. he's supposed to be the big villain in the movie, but it's really Dr. Evil's show. He has the best lines, and isn't the bad guy always the best part of a movie?

This is a love, hate, scratch your head film.. you will either be pissed off, die laughing, or sit there saying 'what.. what happened.. as the joke crawls right between your legs."

4 squirts from the butter meter