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Short to the Cake

September 11, 2003

And I'm Back… duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuhhh

Yep, I'm here finally taking the time to write to you bitchasses. I had a nice lil hiatus, and other than just being a slacker…ya girl done got engaged. *jumps for joy, does 2 back flips and lands with a split* I am happy ya'll and deep in the thick of Wedding planning. Yay, indeed. Before I continue, I wanna give a quick shout-out to all those who sent me notes since my last column, even the shit talking notes cuz them shits is pure comedy, ya'll make me smile. And in response to whoever left the note with the name Karla Thomas….THAT note made my day girl! I would "suck your dick" as you advised me to do, but last I knew, women didn't have dicks and simply put, I just don't know where yours has been.

*Rolls eyes* Edit: Chris, you got to fix that ad being displayed on these gay and transgender sites, it's becoming regotdayumdiculous.

To all you others who feel the need to talk all that slick shit and don't include your name or e-mail address, ya'll get nothing from me, ya'll are a bunch of pussies. Waves to Lena, Raquel, Dee, Andre, Jason and assorted others who give positive feedback and to those who send in their thoughts instead of just babbling pure ignorance, ya'll are the best. You may scroll down now, dears.

Free Kobe

I don't know if it's because he's a brotha or because I think he's truly innocent but I'm praying that Kobe didn't really sexually assault that chick. It's one thing to fuck around on the side or have a fuck buddy, but to fuck up some chick so bad she needs stitches to repair her anus? Come on, Kobe, say it ain't so negro. I don't know why, when we hear of famous people committing crimes, we refuse to believe they've done it. Is it because they're celebrities and we set them to higher standards than us normal folk?

When we heard about Mike Tyson raping some chick we said, "nuh uhh, that bitch lying. Why she go to his hotel room so damn late? What she think is about to happen?" When we heard about Tupac raping some chick we said, "nuh uhhh, that bitch lying. Why she go to his hotel room so late? What she think is about to happen?" Now we hear about Kobe and the first thing out of MY mouth is, "nuh uhh, that bitch is lying. Why she go to his hotel room so late? What she think is about to happen?" Is it extreme denial? The notion that our favorite _________ (insert type of celebrity here) would do something so heinous, such as rape is beyond us?

It just could not have happened. In all these cases, undoubtedly, the 2 people had sex but when the R word comes into play, we're shaking our heads, calling women liars and gold diggers. Now don't get me wrong, I think in the Kobe case, the chick is looking for money and notoriety, not because she's white, but because of the details and where she lives, honestly. That's also why this got blown majorly out of proportion. The situation to me is that she had sex with him, bragged to her friends and they planted the idea in her head that she could use this situation to her benefit.

The rape theory has gotten out of control in this country. As a woman, I know there are real rape cases out there, real cases where women were beaten, scarred for life, traumatized and even killed. So yes, the R word should be taken very seriously. BUT there is a huge problem when any woman can cry rape, regardless of it's the truth or not and then an innocent man gets his name and life dragged through the gutter for no reason at all other than a vengeful ex-girlfriend or a greedy hood rat.

I had a friend in high school who after drinking one night fucked some dude she had just met. Her man found out, she flipped it and told him the dude raped her - lying to get out of getting caught cheating. So her man decided to call the police and I think you can imagine the drama and bullshit that followed. There are women out there who are genuinely raped and are too scared to come forward, too ashamed, and we have bitches like these who are crying rape for their own retarded reasons. It gets hard to decipher fact and fiction in these cases. I guess we'll wait for the court case of the year - The State of Colorado vs Kobe Bryant - played out on national TV, no doubt.

On another note, I also think it's type shady that the whole R. Kelly debacle has been out of sight and out of mind, this dude had sex with children, people…children! Weirdly enough, when the story came out about R, I did not say "nuh uhhh." I said something more along the lines of "damn he a nasty muthafucka, he deserves to be tortured." For some reason I could believe he did it. I can't imagine someone, who has daughters his damn self, taking advantage of young women that way and to top it all off, videotaping it for posterity. It plain irks me that this dude is still in the public eye, and the whole underage sex scandal is just a blurb in a paragraph of an interview he does, promoting his new music and videos. Not saying he doesn't have the talent to back his shit up and sell records but it seems like the world has forgiven him and I don't see how or why. And Kobe, who most likely had some extramarital affair that consisted of rough sex with a blonde chick, who is  of legal age… is crucified by the media and fans and dropped from sponsor deals he once held. Shit just don't make sense. Give me Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Word to Booten Lee

I been paying close attention to MTV's Making the Band, like I know most of us have. One of the highlights of the show (to me at least) is the appearance of Fonzworth Bentley AKA Booten Lee Fonzworth AKA Diddy's manservant. Dude does not hesitate to entertain.

Ever since that Source article dropped detailing Booten's, um "career" as Diddy's right and left hand man, jester, and umbrella holder, I've wanted to give this dude a hug. I wondered what kind of man would accept the title of manservant. I mean…being an assistant is cool, advisor is aight, a maid or butler even… but MAN-SERVANT? Hell no. Now that I seen Booten in action on the show, I see shit ain't too bad for him. He gets more screen time than some of Da Band members, he's obviously PAID, but the poor thing still has to rock them geechy clothes, answer to Puff and will always be cemented in my mind as the man-servant.

Don't get me started on the members of Da Band, themselves. Shit, too late….

Babs - lyrically mediocre at best, her voice is the only thing she got working in her favor. Homegirl looks rough, make-up can't even salvage the shredded condition her grill is in, looks like she stuck her head out the sunroof of a car…in the dead of winter…going over 150mph. She reminds me of either a 15-year-old transsexual or just a slightly cleaner version of your local crack fiend. Classic Babs: "awww now I gotta go home with the dookie face." Say what? Poor thing, she's in denial of the fact that she was born with the dookie face.

Chopper…AKA Young City - if ya'll ain't know by now he had to change his name due to legal circumstances. Where do we start? Dude gets by on his super sized ego, lyrically he's just "ehhh" but he's got personality working for him. I would not be able to control myself from wrapping my hands around his neck for just being annoying as all fuck. Dude's face could also use a work up of massive proportions, palm sander and Oxy Clean for starters.

Frederick - minus the thumb sucking, the stupidity he displays weekly and the obvious lack of soap usage, I actually like Frederick. Lyrically he's aight, his rough, gravelly voice is what sells him, although a whole song of just his voice would have you rushing to scrape out your eardrums with a rusty spoon. The hair needs work, the face looks like he just smelled some day old shit, and he's one of them people who just look like they stank regardless if you know of their hygiene practices (or lack of them). *sighs* but he entertains me so, he gets a pass.

Ness - out of the six he's at the top of the list both lyrically and hygenically.. a lil chubby, dresses nice, but he's type boring. Side note: the scene of him with his pants down around his ankles while fighting with Fred = classic. He would never live that down, regardless if he "won" the fight or not, pull your pants up, bitch.

Dylan - lyrically he's aight, I mean being the "reggae flavor" dude in the group is working for him….for the moment, who knows how long that's gonna last. Again, the grill needs work, palm sander, ice pick, blow torch, botox, Oxy Clean, Noxema, soap - cleaned up and dressed right, he could even be cute. Another plus is that he doesn't look AS hygienically challenged as the rest, although his clothes hardly match and he may be a regular customer at thrift shops.

Sara - almost forgot about her. Her singing skills are nice, but some decent production can make almost anyone sound good (think Ashanti, & Britney). She's pretty cute but someone best advise her to always rock the make-up cuz without she looks like an insomnia driven, sickly Casper the Ghost with a loose jheri curl. She does look the cleanest but that ain't saying much out of the choices we got here. I'm guessing the only reason Diddy has her in the group is for the overall image. Babs being the only female was not gonna draw the type of attention from young males that sells records and draws crowds at concerts, not to mention she brings the R&B flavor for all the hooks they're gonna need.

So that's Bad Boy's "Da Band" in a nutshell. Honestly, I'm hoping they have success. It would just be weak to have a TV show of their rise to the top and never actually catch a glance of it. A rumor has also just been released about 2 members of the group engaging in *shudders* sexual activity, ummm, ewww. That gets the "dookie" face and some fucked up, vivid mental imagery.

Bitch, who is you?

This is mainly for my ladies out there, who can most definitely relate. Mostly a rant/vent….Not too long ago I was at a club, chillin with my man and some friends, just getting my drink on. I mosey my way to the ladies bathroom, which of course, has a line 5 chicks deep. I push my way through to the men's bathroom (ain't no shame, I hadda go) but they only have urinals. Damn! So I push back through to get back in line for the ladies room. The crowd is thick, people just standing around waiting, sucking their teeth at the line and trying to fight the crowd of people trying to push through. You're wedged up against 3 dudes behind you and 4 chicks in front of you and it happens…you feel someone grab your ass.

You roll your eyes and ignore it, being a woman, if you got into it with every dude who tried this, you'd forever be fighting.

Then it happens again and now someone's hands are all up on your waist, moving slowly upwards toward your girls, your twins, your breastesses. Awww hell no, these dicks got some nerve. So I turn around to see the dudes just looking around, cheesin, acting like ain't no thing. I say "Negro, do I know you?" And being that this is New York, I get the standard greeting "Naw, Ma, I don't know what you talking bout." I rolled my eyes, sucked my teeth and said, "What the fuck ever." Then I hear, "Maybe you shouldn't be wearin them jeans Ma, a brotha can't help it. You can't be doing that to us." *shakes head*

Ain't it just like a man to blame a woman for some fucked up shit he does. I was not about to argue with these dudes about the jeans I was wearing, of all things, so I just ignored the snickering and talking goin on behind me until I finally made my way to the dirty ass ladies room. (side note: women please, step up your hygiene.) After thinking about it for a while, I was just bitter, for lack of a better word. I'm responsible for some dude fuckin with me at a club? The fuck is wrong with ya'll? That is all, just hadda vent my frustration.

Goin to the Chapel

I'm off to do some wedding planning, ladies you seriously don't know how much fun this is until you get to it. I think I was born with, not one, but 5 wedding genes. The poofy dress, the music, oh lawd stop me now, I'm getting giddy as a bitch. Only problem is a major lack of money at this point, can't plan shit officially without the ends. Blah! One final side note…fuck football, the hours of it I have to endure between September and January is regotdayumdiculous, not to mention the replays and shit on ESPN. How fun is it watching a dude catch a ball, run 3 feet and be dropped by a few other dudes? Yes, I'm bitter that my man likes football and watches religiously. Unfortunately, I do understand the game after being subjected to countless hours of it, so don't try coming at me on that tip. *shakes fist*

Until next time ya'll, keep it bitter and talk much shit or whatever


My Birthday is September 26th lol you know I have to remind everyone. I got my peoples annoyed at me already for telling them everyday. *shakes head @ self* All gifts can be sent to my house.. you know where that is. Toothless Rufus will open door and sign for the package. Thx.


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